Last week I realized, something is broken, that I thought I fixed.
What, do you ask?
I am broken.
I was in what most people would call a relationship with a Narcissist. Not romantically, but this person pretended to be my best friend. For 4 years I did everything for them and all I got in return was 4 years lost with my family, PTSD, anxiety, and depression.
When I left all their belongings on their doorstep 8 years ago, it felt like a huge weight lifted off me. For the first time in a year, I left my phone on, overnight, cause I blocked their number. I cried, a lot. My sister and my husband were there for me. It felt like a divorce, who got to keep which friends. ( I must say, I got to keep the best ones).
After a while, I learned to deal with things, and I thought that I am better. But last week, the roof of the building I built, collapsed and laid in pieces, that I have not dealt with this the way I should have.
It is eight years later, and I still have panic attacks, my anxiety skyrockets, when someone doesn’t reply to a message right away. Because in my mind, they are not busy doing something else, no in my mind, I pissed them off, or I did something wrong.
I also have let myself go, I have gained weight, I do the bare minimum for myself ( I did get a Nintendo Switch, and I do play Animal crossing, cause it is so very soothing). So it is finally time to take the reigns and take care of me.
I will be 47 in August and I still have a good 20-30 years left (hopefully) and I want to enjoy them and no longer dwell on the past. My husband is amazing and he deserves the best me because he gives me the best of him. Therefore fixing myself is imperative.
I also want to be an ally for my marginalized friends and my LGBTQ+ Family. Therefore I am making it my goal to get better, as they deserve a better ally and mom.
So here I am on June 22, 2020, taking steps to make this happen. Therapy is probably in the future, but for right now, I am reading a book called “Whole Again” by Jackson McKenzie. It’s a step in the right direction.
The idea of the Japanese Art of Kintsugi says it best:
“putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold — built on the idea that in embracing flaws and imperfections, you can create an even stronger, more beautiful piece of art.”
I will probably never be the same “Whole” as before, but I will work towards a new “Whole” that I love.
Fitbit also is offering 90 days premium service for free right now and I am taking advantage of that. They offer workouts, meditations, articles, which is what I need right now. I don’t want to have to think too much on the fitness side of this Journey.
Something is broken but it can be fixed.